All of this started as an adventure and now it was not an adventure any longer, it has passed from a stage of disgust and loathing to a dangerous placidity and indifference. If I stay I would never be free of this , I would get warped and distorted like an insect in a spiders web. I have to get out , and get out quickly . I remember walking out suddenly out of the house and walking up the narrow streets of China Town and up the slope in Bangsar and then out on to the the space below the Mall and sitting with my chin in my hands beside a group of tourists and a lot of screaming little boys . I did not hear them , but I sat looking over KL shivering in the middle of sweat dripping humidity, watching the evening sun set away in the distance beyond the KL twin towers and it was a grey all of a sudden.
Thats when I knew I could not go on living as I did .I am not built that way. I do not have any strength or resistance so I had to acknowledge to myself that this time I am beaten. There was a little weak spirit that kept whispering and hammering at me saying "its not my fault, its not my fault and I listened with half a smile and a shrug of shoulders. It went on to tell me this life is not my life, that it was useless to fight. The voice told me it was heredity , enviroment, upbringing, misunderstanding, all these clashing against each other making me what I hoped not to be. The voice went on and on and I listened wearily nodding my head and snatched the comfort that it gave to me, saying that now it was enough. I have fought and I must give in ; it was not surrender, it was giving into understanding and strength. The arguments of that voice were soft and easy to hear , it taught me the trick of making pictures. So I saw myself sitting on my office desk, immersed in papers, I saw myself looking into other faces while they answered my questions. And I realised like the sudden flash of the last sunray for the day..all of it was gone to soon...lets hope I still gather the courage to resist and not give in...like the struggling ant!